<3

Victorious; In no certain ways

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 05:00:37 GMT

Quick explanation.
This isn't a particularly update filled post. More of a I do not sleep at proper intervals and cannot think straight sort. Thus, you get a blaaaaaaaah blah blaah this is what I think or rather don't think.

- x - x -

Introductions are a collision of ideas forming together to form one semblance of a complete idea. Stringing together bits and pieces of fragments until they're capable of being considered worthwhile; from chaotic idealism to theoretical order. There is no perfect way to compose one; the pieces will just eventually fall into place, working and clicking together like Lego pieces. However, there areover a thousand different ways to post pone the inevitable. Various strings pulled, tied together, broken apart, and then eventually it's all over and you've been pulled into whatever was meant to come next.

Unless the only thing that makes sense is to keep stringing together a piece of make believe hope.

- x - x -

I cannot get things to be pulled out of my head properly. There are too many spinning fluctuations of poorly thought out decisions. A drink too many, another on top of that, and just one more to be sure.

- x - x -

Fuck this. There's too much going in my head. I can't get it. There's nothing to get. Why can't being a human being be half way reasonable? Why do things that I want have to be things that will hurt?

Heartache is just another way of saying..

Wed, 23 Jul 2008 03:53:23 GMT

Over the imaginary pad of paper the pen twirls, twirls, stops. Then the action is repeated; two twirls and then a break. No ink flows from the pen to the paper, just misplaced thoughts seeking out the right words before falling apart again. How do you describe heartache when even the word itself seems like an understatement and then an overstatement?

That’s the question that gets scribbled towards the top of the page, arrows trailing towards it and away from it. Every solution has a problem, ever perfectly thought of answer crumbles to the sidelines underneath the scrutiny of those pointed lines. There is no easy answer, no cover all reply to reach across the borders as the various interested parties scramble for ways to defend against imaginary strikes.

Heartache is just another way of saying I love you. Every beat a slow, painful reminder of the way things used to be, could’ve been, were meant to be. Thump; won’t you come over tonight and we can fix this problem? Each letter carefully written; flowing elegantly from the pen to the paper, no added marks of black to ruin this to be masterpiece. Thump; why can’t you just say that you need me too? An added heart for decoration with an unmistakable lack of character; there is something wrong here, can’t you feel it too.

Heartache is just another way of saying this was never supposed to happen. How many goodbyes does it take before you will just go away? That’s the unasked question, taking refugee on the tip of my tongue. Thump; will you leave me alone tonight so that I can drown in my own imagined misery? Maybe if I learned to say that I need you this would become easier, the picture clearer. Thump; is tonight the night that you finally figure out that I’m not what you need?

Heartache is just another way of saying I’m not sure of what just happened and I’m not sure if I ever will. From a flash flood of tears to pushing through the pain to show off, to pretend that I don’t hurt; not because of you, never because of you. Thump; I’m sorry that my need to lie beats out my need to confess how much I need you now more than ever. If it was that easy maybe we wouldn’t have found ourselves in this mess to begin with. Thump; would you believe me if I said that I never could get over you despite everything?

Heartache is just another way of saying maybe this was meant to happen. You and I are disasters, undiscovered arguments disguised as the best of intentions. Thump; could you help me rediscover who I am tonight? There will be no strings attached, I just miss having a friend that I can connect to. Thump; you probably saw this coming before I ever thought that something could mess things up between us. You were smart like that, always just ahead of the curve when it came to you and I.

Heartache is just another way of saying that I wish I could forget you. That’s the bench I laid on as we just made noises at each other over the phone; mall shoppers giving me funny looks. Then I fell off of it and found the pen that had exploded; making noises as I went. Thump; are you haunted by as many familiar places as I am? There are so many situations running through my head, some days I just can’t take facing so many places, so many songs. Thump; do you know when all of this will finally stop? When can I finally keep myself together when looking at everything you have tainted?

Heartache is just another way of saying that maybe we shouldn’t have done this. Why did you and I have to be so much alike? Thump; rediscovering yourself through someone else just opens up more holes. The problem is every hole has a seal and every seal has been shattered. Thump; the first cut was the deepest. After all it was the one that made me get rid of all of the old messages that said I love you. Thump; love is a lie we don’t want to admit to anymore.

This doesn’t cover all of it, not even most of it. These are just some of the words I keep wishing that I could write down and send your way. Read them, scream them, sing them; just remember it’s how I feel about you and I. You’re my personal heartache, always and forever. I sometimes wish that I was yours, but out of the two of us I think I always cared more; or at the very least I showed it more. I guess this is really my way of saying that I miss you, I wish you missed me back. That I still love you, but I don’t think you love me; I guess that’s okay.

Reaching for the Stars; Clink, clank

Wed, 02 Jul 2008 09:00:04 GMT

As I said, I would be attempting to update this little journal of mine so that all of you lovelies could pretend to keep up with my life. I figured that maybe, just maybe, a weekly update schedule will suffice; at least for the time being until something actually crazy fascinating happens to me. Considering the fact that the chances of that are slim to none I’m inclined to keep up this weekly incident report. How many hazards can I fit into a day? Isn’t that just something fun to ponder.

Anyway, I suppose the best update location to start at is the first day after my decision. Basically on Monday I did nothing all the special or fascinating. I went to work, it was awesome. Okay, so it was made a bit better by the whole dude I get to work with my manager Sean factor. There were such delightful moments of Ashley visiting us [and looking like she works there in street clothes more than I look like I work there in my uniform], Sean asking if I was on crack [I couldn’t find the tokens in my drawer, so he got me some from a different register.. Then showed me where mine were, xD.. I swear he was getting me back for saying his truck was on crack]. All in all my shift was filled with tons of laughter, it’s a pretty sweet deal.

Tuesday was fairly normal until the end. There was badminton going on in the backyard of the neighbors, a game I didn’t join in on; I think I was reading maybe.. Andy made an appearance later that day.. The best part being the midnight badminton! Hell yes! .. Andy lost most of his clothes. There was much cursing of the lack of light - “I swear it just goes up and gets swallowed!”.. It was pretty much awesome though, definitely need to do it again sometime.

Wednesday.. I don’t even recall what I did. Ridiculous things at work I’m sure. Talked to people about midnight badminton, that’s for sure. It was either Tuesday or Wednesday that a late night run to Hollywood Video was made to get Charlie Bartlett and a couple of wii games, pretty much awesome. Moving on.. Thursday I was written in so there was more fun to be had at work with Andrew’s weirdness and just feeling out of place since it was the first Thursday I’ve worked in about twelve weeks or so. Ended up watching Charlie Bartlett that night with Belinda and Kman. It was actually a pretty awesome movie and I have every intention of watching it again, go me!

Friday! There’s nothing like a day off to kick back and relax some more with friends. I slept in some, put money into my bank account [huzzah pay day!], and then chilled. Chilled meaning I hung out with Alfax, CJ, Kman, and Joel working on a character for DnD 4th edition [yes I am a giant dork and damn proud of it, =P]. Nate came by to hang out later as well, he made a character as well [go team awesome sauce! -wyvern jumps into the room- crap, right. I’m not supposed to say team awesome sauce. -another wyvern jumps in- Shoot! Okay. I need to stop doing that]. Towards the end of character creation time Jessi called to say that her and her younger sister were coming over to hang out.. So we played badminton! On the way to setting up badminton I caught up my toe [enough that it hurt to put real pressure on it.. I had it bandaged up Friday night through Sunday night].. I still played badminton for a bit without bandaging it though; tons of fun! Pictures coming later.. I swear! Eventually we finished with badminton and went to have some dinner at my place [we being Jessi, her younger sister, Nate, CJ, Alfax, Joel, Kman, and I].. Homemade lasagna for the win! We played one round of double deck hearts.. Then afterwards Jessi and her sister left so the rest of us headed back over to ‘Fax’s for a rousing game of DnD 4th edition.. Which was pretty much awesome.

Saturday I went to the arts festival with Belinda and Fax for a couple of hours before work. They had a box city for little kids to play in! I, of course, had to take pictures of this super amazing level of awesomeness! Also, towards the end of our adventure, all three of us got a henna tattoo done by a lovely lass. It was well worth the cost.. Mine turned out awesome [darker than the last one I had done.. But oh well, a lot of customers say it’s awesome, xD.. Take that dress code!] Our last trip for the day was at an Ice cream vendor; super delicious ice cream for the win! .. Then I worked from 2-10; deadly times there, but still lots of fun. “Hey matt! I hate you and I’m going to lunch!” “Really? Ok. So am I!” … Matt is one of my mangers. Secretly we’re lunch buddies since almost every time we work together and I get a lunch we end up having the same lunch time, it’s kind of funny. Went to Denney’s after work with Belinda, which was fun as per usual. There were cops eating there when we got there and tons of shady people, but that’s all part of the experience.

Sunday was more working extravaganza! I don’t know, I was pretty whiny and not in the mood to be there at all though, so it was kind of eh like. Oh well, I owe my one coworker some actual work one of these days for how nice he was about doing most of the work; I think he sort of sensed I was just not really with it that day. Woo!

Monday was an adventure! Went out shopping with my mom, well limited shopping. We went to get the truck’s emissions done.. Stopped at a place to get some welding done on our lawnmower’s handlebar - the place we went to had the blues brothers on their roof! [there is a lame picture of that coming later, xD]. We also stopped at a half price books [I bought two books, go me].. Bought a coffee drink from Starbucks for my mom’s friend who we went and visited at the petsmart she’s a manger at.. Then we went to Alderwood! Nothing real special there.. We stopped at Gordon’s to get her two necklaces and my one necklace cleaned - yes I do in fact own a very nice necklace from them =P. Then we went and had lunch from Panda Express before making a stop in at a couple of stores. Eventually headed off to Circuit City where I returned my mp3 player, which had stopped charging properly and smelt of melting plastic when you tried to charge it. Exchanged it for a different one that’s sort of crazy thin, but so far pretty awesome. Then we picked up our lawnmower handle and headed to pick up new tabs for the truck. Acquired those before heading home and stopping for delicious coffee from Sunshine, ^^. Mind you I got an iced chai tea because I’m that awesome.. Then I went to work for my super awesome three hour shift! Came home.. Hung out with Belinda playing a little bit of super Mario galaxy before switching to Final Fantasy Crystal Chronicles for a bit. Then her, Kman, and I hung around talking and just being kind of weird. Then I fell asleep on the couch, so I don’t really know what happened after a while, xD.

As for today [Tuesday] I slept in until about noon, ate lunch, and went to work. Work was okay, we started acting crazy towards the end after all of the customers left and we had finished with the important work. I ran around on an office chair [go wheels!], Ashleey used a red cart covered with discounted dog food as a bed [which I wheeled her around on for a bit], and Katie chilled with us. XD. Then we started playing with these new toys we got in that make musical note songs in animal noises.. The cat one drove our manager a little crazy.. XD… And I used the intercom system to play the pig one, xD. Tons of fun there. And, of course, pictures are coming!

As for tomorrow.. Well there will definitely be badminton and sleeping in. Huzzah for another day off. I pretty much win, kaythx.

She's A Brick

Mon, 23 Jun 2008 06:53:16 GMT

The end is coming; there is no question as to whether or not it is, but simply a question as to when it will rear its ugly head. That question is troublesome itself, creating doubts, spreading fear; just you wait, there will be wide spread panic in the streets. Then, when the end comes, is it truly the end? Or is it simply the beginning of a new adventure? A break from the routine to set priorities straight as we crawl on our hands and knees towards the unknown, forever searching for the answer; forever lost amongst everyone else.

Maybe I am just over thinking again; I do that a lot, so I claim at the very least. My mind is searching for all of the answers to these questions and many more; grasping towards that infernal gold ring that is always just out of reach. Just enough so that you can still hope for it, wish for it; not have it though, you can never just have something like that. The problem is that I have found a temporary answer, a temporary solution for my constant insanity. It can’t plague me as much if I feed it less, can it? Is that just a lie I’m telling myself to justify what is to follow? Maybe, maybe not.

Here is the deal, I am tired of this. Whatever the hell this is, I wish that I could explain it better than that. Well, I can, but not enough that it will ever fully make sense; I might as well pretend to try though I suppose. This is the world of quick messages appearing on my laptop screen in the form of hellos, hollowed out I love yous, and the pain that is so tempting to toy with again. This is my bandage, my hope that out there I can finally figure out so many things; things that I can’t even begin to describe.

So, this is the end. Except the end is never what it appears to be; one might even say it’s the beginning of a new adventure. That’s not to say that this new adventure won’t tangle with some parts of the old story. It just won’t focus on those parts as much, at least that is the hope. For those that are having difficulty following this tangled up mess consider this a goodbye. A temporary goodbye while I pretend to set my life straight or to at least not feel so alone.

In even better terms.. I’m taking a break from signing online, there’s a whole world out there and I need to get out before I destroy myself. My e-mail is always open for a message, there is a cell around [those that can have that number will figure out a way to get it], and if all else fails this journal will continue with entries that have no real schedule.

Just in case..
e-mail :: joaneh.smith@gmail.com

x x x x x x x x x x

To the kiddos that have put up with me for, what, four years now; mostly in a certain chat. I know most, if not all of you, are there for me when I need to rant out everything. I appreciate the help a lot, more than I will ever be able to convey properly. Some of you a little more than others, not because you didn’t care, simply because they were around during my late nights. Please don’t consider this a forever thing, I just can’t deal with a lot of things right now.

To the couple of other kiddos that have only ever known me online. I am sorry for every stupid little thing I ever said, some days I didn’t think as clearly as maybe I should have. You have done amazing things throughout the years to help with a lot in my life; from rants about friends, to venting about my parents, to just bitching about this or that - even when you weren’t so good yourself. I am sorry I couldn’t be a better friend, sorry for all of the times I just left because I just had to, for the times I just screamed and bitched at you for coming to me when you needed help. Really, thanks for taking the time to be my other amazing online friends.

To whoever stumbles on to this place. .. Bye?

Goodbye Loves
<3

Late Nights Make for Better Stories

Sat, 21 Jun 2008 07:29:21 GMT

My bed is a mess. My father has a new rule for this summer. I miss friends that probably don't miss me. I'm pretty sure I should be sleeping. There's something wrong with me, but I can't put it into words anymore. I wish that I could relax, but every time I start to I just freak out all over again. I'm partially jealous of my one manager's kid because the manager makes time to go places with her and I wish my dad did that. I don't know anymore, I'm on a different wave length than my dad and I don't know when it's going to completely crash. I get asked if I have plans and when I say I do they just get torn apart anyway. So it's sort of pointless to have them anyway. And really all I can do is rant a lot to no avail. Because I'm just growing tired of talking to people. They're either too busy, having problems of their own, or I don't think that they can help me. And sure life happens, but I guess I never expected there to be this much trouble. I guess that's what I get for never listening before. It's bothersome, troublesome, and likely to be part of my eventual down fall. Which has stopped being a matter of if it'll happen but a matter of when. There's more to this, I'm sure of it. But it's hard to see the screen and my mind is working at half speed. I write to escape my problems, but they catch up eventually; adding on a whole new mess of issues that I just can't take anymore. I have no intention of getting close to anyone ever again, at least not for a while. Every time I do something goes wrong, but I'm consistently foolish enough to think that things will change. That damn level of hope growing as the other person feeds it just enough to make cutting it down that much more painful. Except, I don't know. I'm amazingly good at smiling for work and just being bubbly. I think that has them fooled for the most part, at least for now. The afore mentioned manager has noticed some bitterness, but we don't work together a lot and fortunately he wasn't there the day I started crying. Because I don't know. I think I might've made a good impression on someone for once. Which makes my constant desire to leave there, to leave this place period almost painful. But I'm to the point that it's just.. mundane, routine. Done for the sake of being done with little to no joy at all.

This is it.. Take a chance..

Fri, 06 Jun 2008 04:31:15 GMT

It’s been a little over two months and there really isn’t all that much to cover. I wish that my life was perhaps a bit more exciting, something actually worth discussing; yet at the same time that would get dull over time just as easily. What I’m trying to say I suppose is that while yes I have done things, they aren’t all that grand and none of them ever quite seemed like they were important enough to spend an entire entry on them. Unlike some others I know, I prefer to leave my journal entries until there is plenty to write about - rather than bogging things down with minor sentences; things to be thrown out to the dogs.

That isn’t to say that those don’t carry meaning, that they aren’t as important; they’re just not exactly my style. Sorry if that seems rude, it’s not meant to be taken that way. Fortunately I hold the high hope that the kiddos that bother reading my terrible rants, my imaginary thoughts, and the like are light hearted and know that I’m a bit of a jerk. Perhaps I’m not the biggest jerk in the world and definitely not the most obvious one but I still have my moments in the lime light. Mostly because I believe in being a bit of a bitterly sarcastic lass; yet only one manager has ever commented on the bitter part to me - ha.

However, that isn’t exactly the point of this terribly belated entry nor much of anything. Mostly it is because all I know how to do is ramble like a fool; waiting to be kicked out of the club. Though, in all reality, there isn’t much of a point to what I write most of the time. A lot of the entries I enjoy making are rambling rants just to get thoughts out of my head as I dive farther into imaginary self exploration. As I play with words; picking at straws, taking chances, and wishing for the best end result possible.

This is a sign that my mind has gone out of whack again; spinning out of control throughout the galaxy. While in all actuality it’s just that there is a growing list of projects ranging from major like ones to oh so minor ones and all I want to do is avoid them like crazy. There’s an easy homework assignment to complete, a room to clean, music to organize, and e-mails to reply to. Known of which I’m going to do any time soon; what fun would that be? Instead I will ramble, dabbling in bits and pieces of ego inflation. I hear at times it’s a bit healthy to take part in or something to that affect, ha.

Yet more often than not that is a bit of lie. In fact, I am more of a deflator of my very own ego; attacking it with a butter knife. Hacking, sawing, and slicing away the outer layers to crumble up whatever is left in the center. Except there’s nothing left waiting there; not anymore at least. I’m not quite sure what I’m getting at, but I’m sure when I began there was a real point involved; I’m going to pretend there was one at least. Something about the fact my life is boring, my ego lives in a beaten and tattered pile over there, and I ramble like a fool freshly strung out for a beating. I don’t know anymore; not that I ever did.

The best place to start is probably in covering how classes are going so far; with a brief addition of my frequency of self abuse and willingness to attend school. To be frank my classes are going about as well as one might expect them to go for me; well enough in other words. They’re not exactly anything special, but that is likely my fault just a bit. As the saying goes you only get out what you’re willing to put into something. Since I’m not exactly putting a whole lot into my education anymore there’s not a whole lot coming back to me. This should perhaps be disappointing, annoying, and something that I should want to change. Except, this isn’t something I’m all that worried about it.

Part of it is likely my general inability to even remotely settle on a possible career field. At first I believed that I wanted to go into early childhood education, but that ship has since sailed. While I do find that it is a fascinating subject and worth learning about, especially if one has a small child, it’s just not my cup of tea. I suppose that is unfortunate in one sense or another, but I can’t bring myself to care a whole lot about that; too busy pretending to find something else to delve into for a couple of days. Honestly, I no longer know what I want to do and it is continuously depressing, especially when compounded with the fact that so many people I know seem so sure of themselves. As if to say gee Joan, you’re behind the times; why don’t you catch up to us already? I mean god, it cannot be that hard.

Maybe I’m just too hard on myself though, which is probably true even without taking this problem into account. In all actuality I know I’m tough on myself constantly; more than some realize at times too. Most of the time I attempt to move through life with all of my constant self turmoil hidden in a pot tucked away from the sun; no one needs to see that soiled thing. This is because of the general knowledge that many have it harder than I do, that I should stick to the battles worth fighting, and well I don’t enjoy seeming like anything other then that light hearted gal whose always trying to make others feel a little better. At times that isn’t the best course of action, I’m quite aware of this; I just haven’t bothered to think too much on it. A few people may argue with me about that, about how I cannot save the world without saving myself first. The problem is how do you save yourself when you cannot even begin to explain what’s wrong? Then even if you can uncover one problem, what do you do when it’s something that no one can help you with and you’re not quite sure if it’s a problem or not?

I’m over analyzing a simple situation again though; at least I can feel myself beginning to go down that long, scary path already. Unfortunately, it is not that simple at all, but for the sake of pretending to feel better I will leave it as a minor delay; a minor nuisance; minor in every sense of the word one might say. In fact, I will go so far as to return to the original subject at hand; my classes. For those that aren’t my daily stalkers, I am currently taking a math class (math 111), a Spanish class (Spanish 102 - second year high school Spanish), and beginning short story writing (English 278 - the second quarter of it).

Each of them has its own assortment of quirks, downsides, and everything that could possibly be filed in between the two. I would likely have a better analysis for each, but my attendance record for them is well below an acceptable rate and my brain has been stuck in a melting pot for way too long. Well, there is that and the fact that I have been just going through the motions of routine life without stepping out of the box a lot. This may be a problem, but every time I think to move beyond the confines of my safety box I can feel my mood shift to something defined as being the negative quadrant, plane III for those that are math nerds enough to get it.

Regardless of that, there are a few things to said for my English class. Especially since it’s the one that I attempt to attend against the odds. That class genuinely makes me happy, it takes away every problem that’s happening in the big bad world and makes them disappear for the couple of hours I’m in there. I don’t think that I’ve ever laughed so much in a class before, it’s unbelievable. That’s all there is to say really, it’s hard to explain it right without seeming overly geeky in every way, shape, and form.

Moving on though, outside of attending classes infrequently I’ve also spent a fair portion of my time at work. Where, unfortunately, I’ve gotten myself into some minor level of drama with a coworker. In time it should hopefully blow over, which will make work fun again if only temporarily. I’m not sure if I’m ready to get my hopes up in that department yet. Especially when you consider we’ve lost multiple people to them leaving, going out to travel the world [okay, so he’s not gone yet, but he’s leaving soon and going to Europe for a bit], or moving out of state by quite a ways. I don’t know, on one hand this is depressing, but on the other I’m so.. Not moved by it. Not to say that I’m completely heartless, it’s just I don’t like to form attachments with people anymore. They’re so temporary.

I guess what I’m really trying to say is that despite how often I can be distant or disappear for a while when hanging out with people I usually enjoy their company. It’s just I’m no longer sure as to how to feel around most people, that constant nagging fear that one day they too will go away doesn’t exactly help a whole lot. The worst part is there’s only so much feeding that fear of people disappearing, poofing, of abandoning me when I just might need them after all. Okay, to be fair I lost a close friend every year my entire elementary school career, a trend which somewhat continued through out middle school and high school. Then it’s around in work, but I keep trying to tell myself that it’s okay; people come and go, that’s just how life is.

Anyway, that’s something that I’m not entirely ready to dwell upon. Not yet, not when people are so near that I could reach out and touch someone for one fleeting second. Well, they’re not entirely that close, but once again I’ve slipped off only partially noticed from a group of people because I can’t handle being near them any longer. It’s not their fault though, they’re not terrible people; I just constantly feel awkward and weird near them as if there is some secret joke going around that I just don’t get. The problem being that I have none all of them for basically forever and a day.

My ability to socialize is a touchy subject though, there are different layers to it for different groups. A lot of people are like that though or so I hear, maybe I’m just completely out of the loop now though and that has changed. That’s likely not true though, but I want to move on now anyway, it’s difficult to explain something that you’re not completely and utterly sure on to the point that it’s driving you crazy to have to contain it.

I suppose the best way to end this though is to do a quick update of little details. My older brother has gone to Ireland and come back safely, it’s nice and strange to seem him again. Work is filled with a little less drama, but I’m tired of seeing some of the few people I consistently talked to disappear; I hope life treats them well. School is where I fail without effort; something in me is broken and I wish I knew how to fix myself. I miss talking to a few people more than I think they’ll ever know; it’s hard to feel like there’s no one out there for you anymore because all of us are too busy drifting away, too busy with our own problems to reach out for one another anymore.

The forming of bonds, the destruction of self perception, and new age theories..

Tue, 04 Mar 2008 06:38:24 GMT

It’s March now, how quaint. March, this year, has taken to representing a multitude of activities, not all of which are pleasant. For some reason fate has deemed that winter quarter should end not quite at the end, but just in time for Easter (the 23rd of the month). Easter occurs for those that can’t process the latter part of the previous statement, it feels too soon for such a holiday - but who am I to decide? The end of the quarter and Easter lead into spring break, another chance to strengthen bonds with people I keep feeling like I’m losing. A chance I likely won’t take because we’re all too busy for one another - one person is always too busy for the other one (that’s a different story though, I’m sure it’s coming later.) Then, of course, after spring break it’s time for spring quarter - I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Winter quarter has been mediocre at best, but mostly it was stressful for all of the wrong reasons. It shows that, when motivated to a degree or two, I could possibly succeed in a class or two (namely Spanish in this case). However, at the same time, it’s another reminder that my attention span is terrible, that I have no clue what I want to do, and unfortunately for myself it’ll result in more stress during spring break. The two other classes I have, geology and education 150, have been going okay for the most part. I’m finally getting around to writing everything I need to right for my education class, which is actually kind of fun now that a part of me is becoming less stressed and a different part is becoming overly stressed. Secretly, well not so secretly now, I’m starting to doubt my abilities more and more throughout every quarter. That probably isn’t a good thing, but oh well. Maybe one day I’ll figure myself out.

Easter and spring break - the forming of bonds, the destruction of self perception, and new age theories all rolled into one. Okay, so it’s not exactly that drastic, but I have a love for playing with words, phrases, etc. in an attempt to find my inner voice. My inner voice is that of a scared child, searching desperately for something that doesn’t exist. It’s real I tell you, even if you can’t see it at all.. But I digress, that’s not today’s cheerful subject, ha. I love Easter, don’t get me wrong - even if I haven’t had the pleasure of fully enjoying it since I started working retail. It’s family time without the usual stress, less yelling, less pressure, and more love and happiness (those are around all the time, just not always that evident.) Spring break, the break that thinks it can and then, if it truly believes, can. As stated before it’s a time to be used to strengthen bonds with people I don’t see a lot anymore. Except, as of late, I have started to feel like a lot of people are talking to me because they don’t have the heart to say they don’t want to be my friend anymore. It’s such a sucky feeling to have, I’m tired of it. I’m tired of a lot of things though. I even made semi-fake plans to see someone and I’ve basically decided that it’s not going to happen for one reason or another.. And that I’ll be the only person to be sad that it didn’t. Life is such a mess some days, =/.

Spring quarter is its own special mess. On one hand, I’m looking forward to the classes that I’ve signed up for. There is a math class (that’s right I’m finally getting around to taking math again) with a friend of the family (well she’s more so friends with my mom, but she’s pretty awesome). From math I would be going to the second quarter of Spanish, which will be with the teacher I currently have it with - she’s an awesome teacher, so I’m psyched for that. Then my last class on Tuesdays and Thursdays is to be the second quarter of beginning short story writing, which was pretty sweet class. Looking at that things look promising, except with my luck everything will go wrong. Sigh, that’s how life is some days.

- - - -

Now a detour to what’s on my mind, the second edition.

I have friends that only talk to me when they’re drunk. My older brother is going away for spring quarter, I’m not sure how I feel about that. I play DnD with friends, it makes me happy. Elliott Smith is a good addiction to have, go fall in love with his music. Almost every time I talk to you I think about saying never mind, I’ll talk to you later just to see if you get the hint that everything is wrong. I’m beginning to step away from people more and more. I bet you don’t remember what three classes we had together. I miss weird conversations with the people that used to be my friends. I have gotten angry to the point that I have started crying. Everything is my fault, I’m tired of arguing about that. I didn’t have a headache when I started writing this, but now I have an ear splitting one. Writing is one of my biggest passions. I have had more than one person tell me that I should write a book. My mom is a fantastic cook, I wish that I could cook like her. Ice cream and brownies taste delicious together. I wish you and I were better friends, but I know it’s my fault. How subtle do I have to stop being to get things across to you? I’m sorry that we don’t talk as much as we used to, we’re both having problems. I wish that I could save you. Would you believe me if I told you that you mean so much more to me than I let on? I have laughed out loud in the middle of class, on the bus, and other odd ball locations due to weird things running through my head.

Hostile Takeover

Wed, 20 Feb 2008 05:51:17 GMT

This is a hostile takeover, there will be no survivors.

What triggered that line to go off in my head has since then disappeared. The only traces that were left by them are flickering thoughts, ones that rest for a second before they dash off again. There is no singular way to grasp them, no proven way of magic coming to bear fruit in a grounded reality. All of which is scenic words for how I grasp at straws, one slow downfall at a time. It is at times like this that I can con myself into a state of being that screams your words are spectacular, they move us in ways no others can. The partial feeling of connection that is so far buried below the surface that at times it appears that it won’t rip itself free of the earth one more time.

The words that flow from these fingertips are glazed over with care, words chosen at such a slow pace that it is comparable to the land based speed of turtles. There is no chance of faulty lettering as each word is glanced over and scanned for meaning, careful now that you don’t over analyze the situation. A kaleidoscope of over reactions categorized by meaningless interpretations, that is how each little phrase plays out in my head. In other words I am writing in a scripted way in an attempt to pretend that I have a grasp on the English language, a grasp on some faint twinkle reminiscent of a sanity I once had and still do at the best of times.

All of which adds up to little more than nothing at all. As if each word has been chosen for great purposes, but dropped off into the realm of forgetful levels of brain activity. It’s a sign that at the best of times, when all is well and I can trick myself into being engaged with society, that there’s so much white noise in the background that all thoughts pertaining to important information scatter from the light. Except that’s an over dramatization of the actions that occur when the world around is falling to pieces and I don’t want to fit into the puzzle like every other falling star.

Most of all this is me trying to find out if my words have any meaning. How many vague thoughts can I string out as people search for what’s behind the mess? Is it possible that towards the end I will have gone too far, or is there no such limit? These questions search for holding space in my mind as secrets that were never meant for the light of day are screamed out one ear splitting yell after another.

I never meant for it to go this far. I never meant to push you over that cliff. I miss the sound of your voice more than you’ll ever know. When we talk I feel bad for dragging you into the mistake that is my life. Every time we say goodbye I am left happy over all, but saying bye has never hurt so much. Underneath the surface I’m about as confident as a lump of coal. The day I stop feeling like everything is my fault will be an amazing day. When no one is around I dance and sing along with every type of song imaginable. I know I can’t sing worth a lick, but that has never been the point of it. How can we be so different and still have this connection? Or am I the only one that feels it? I hold up signs that say have a good day when coming home from school, maybe it’ll make someone’s day. On the bus I wish someone will sit down next to me not because I want to make light conversation to pass the time, but for that brief connection to others despite the awkward silence and stilted movement. I wonder if I frighten you sometimes when every time we talk I seem to be having another crisis, but you’re one of the few I feel comfortable saying everything to. When no one is looking I smile more, it’s my secret smile. I love studying others’ handwriting and trying to imitate it if I think it’s gorgeous. I can’t let people go once I’ve let them in regardless of how much of a jerk they end up being or how many times they come close to taking a step off the edge. My favorite song was introduced to me by the only person I’ve ever completely let in and he’s the person I wish I never failed, but know I always will. I wear my heart on my sleeve, it’s visible to anyone willing to take a chance. When we’re hanging out I worry that I’ll say something stupid and you’ll stop being my friend. Friends make all the difference some days, so don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. Do you trust me the way that I trust you with all of my little fears I don’t share otherwise? If I were to go away for some amount of time would you miss me or would you simply forget I ever existed? I miss midnight drives to no where, taking random directions to far off destinations with the people that might as well be family. I remember so many weird tidbits of information about people that I don’t think they ever remember telling me. Did you know that you’re ten times better than you give yourself credit for? You’re the only thing that has ever made sense, but then you went away and I still miss you. If I tried to hold your hand would you let me? One day I will figure out who I am and when that happens there will be a party, you’re invited even if I don’t send you an invitation. What I’m listening to at almost any given point in time is a good indicator of how I feel. If I whispered I like you more than platonically speaking would you understand what I’m trying to say? My shoulders are always open for a good cry, just don’t shut me out when I need the same - I’m not that strong despite the disguise that says otherwise. If your world crashed down around you and it feels like no one will be a friend give me a call, I can stop my world for a second to help you rebuild yours. After all of this are we still friends? I wish I could hug people without feeling so awkward every time. Even if it doesn’t always seem like it I appreciate you and everything you have done for me and everything you will do for me. I love my family, even when they drive me crazy - I know that they will be there for me when I need them. I play videogames, not to fit in, but because they genuinely make me happy. I wish I didn’t feel the need to look for a new job, but I’m starting to feel under appreciated and under paid at my current one - not to mention I’m getting terrible hours despite working there for two years. I have cried more than once while writing this, not full blown but there are still tears. What would it take to convince you that I’m who I say I am? Secretly I’m a little kid at heart, the zoo, aquarium, and toy stores still make me happy - I wish I went to them more. Where did I go wrong as a friend? Have I always been a terrible one? If I am being a complete and utter jerk to you then you probably deserve it, but that won’t stop me from feeling terrible later on. It may surprise some, but I actually have a heart. Every time we talk I try not to think about what you’re secretly thinking. Do you remember me saying I like you or have you forgotten that? Did you know it took more courage to do that then it has ever taken me to do so many other things? Why is it that I feel so awkward calling you when I can call someone I’ve never met without a second thought? I remember the first time we ever talked on the phone and how you sang songs by The Beatles. Please don’t give up on me. Do you wish that I would go away? Do you regret that we met? Did you know that some of these are actually about you? Have you figured out that this draining for me to write, but therapeutic at the same time.

And if all else fails I just want to let you know that you mean a lot to me, that I miss you, that I’m glad I met you, that each of these is for at least one person sometimes more, that I wish we talked more, that I wish I could give you a hug, that I hope you have a wonderful day - week - month - year - life, that if you leave I’m not sure how I would cope, that even if I’ve never said it I respect you for what you’ve been through, that I wish you felt safe talking to me, that you find the person you’re looking for, that school works out for you, that you are an amazing person, that I wish you’re proud of who you are, that life isn’t always wonderful but you should make the most out of it anyway, and that if everything goes wrong I’ll still be your friend.

Just One More Hand Me Down

Sun, 27 Jan 2008 07:08:46 GMT

    Huzzah, my brain is back to operating on a somewhat functional level. Not nearly as emotionally charged as usual, at least that’s what I’m going to tell myself for now otherwise I’ll be back on ditch duty. When in actuality I’m already there, it’s just down to whether or not I want to admit to that - whether or not I actually want to stop and deal with that. Except right now I don’t want to, not when there are other things throwing off alarms. Anyway, that’s not why I’m writing this at least not yet and hopefully not later, but this message will go wherever it goes. After all that’s half the fun of not writing a proper “paper”, there’s so much less structure surrounding it all. Really though I feel like being temporarily engaged in past affairs, so in other words I feel like revisiting things said yesterday in a sort of lame attempt to better state some of my thoughts.

However, before I delve into that business, there are some quick things to say before I forget. There will likely be some quoting of things said yesterday, mostly for the benefit of easily being able to see what goes with what. It’s my way of trying not to be as confusing as I can be sometimes. That’s the problem with rambling, it gets me from point a to point b, but there’s so much fluff between the lines that sometimes people just get lost in the cosmos. Secondly, I’m writing this while slow falling back into some level of madness. In other words forgive sentences that seem odd, spelling errors, etc. I’m still sick, my eyes hurt [so some of this is written with them close - keyboard memory for the win], and well I’m bound to get emotional because that’s just how I am. Thirdly, well, I think there was a third point but it’s gone out the window to cause trouble somewhere else. Now let the pretend ability to get things out come on full force, yippy-ki-yay.

    “There comes a point where you just have to make a decision.  you can't keep killing yourself  You just have to stop looking and thinking about everyone else. Find little things that you enjoy and just ignore everyone else.“ See look, already I’m bringing in the big guns - in other words, quoting you. For the most part I’m going to have to agree with that. Eventually there does in fact come a point in time when you need to make decisions about things. Other people, in the long run can’t make them for you. After all it is supposedly your life, so you should be the executive decision maker. However, I tend to feel that part of the point of living is being able to step back and help others. The only problem really is finding that delicate balance between the two so that you don’t end up killing yourself because of other peoples problems. My problem is, I don’t have that balance and tend to not search it out. I really am one of those people that tries to put every single person before me.

    Now on that regards I would like to say that I am getting a little better. I do attempt to cut back on helping some people out because all the experience does is drain me or make me feel terrible for being me. That’s not healthy in any way shape or form for me, perhaps it is for the other person. That’s not exactly my concern all of the time, just most of the time. Except I feel bad over things easily and don’t like to just abandon people. Thus eventually I start being friends with the person all over again, damn cycle. Perhaps that is a sign that I need to not be who I am, but I don’t know. Every now and again I like to pretend that being me is a good thing, maybe I’m wrong on that front who knows. Moving on though..

    “I have sufficiently buried my desire to connect with people, to be part of something  it will come up and bite me in the ass I know, but right now I don't care.” I don’t know if I could do that, at least not for any real length of time. Underneath all my general lack of socializing I actually have a thing for people. It’s just not the easiest thing to see all of the time. It’s part of being painfully shy more often then not, but that’s okay. Like I said earlier I think that some of being human is connecting with others, so yeah that’s totally going to come back and bite you in the ass. And I’m going to laugh first without thinking about it and then be a friend. This is your warning that my instant reaction to a lot of things is to laugh, it eases the pain, and to seem like a jerk because of it. This is an advance apology for that, but also a reminder that I really am a friend even if I don’t seem like it right away.

    “I'm enjoying being away from home, being free to do whatever, not have someone yelling at me all the time to do something.” I could probably use that quite a bit. Actually I know that’s what I need, but it’s not always something easy to acquire. I debate changing schools and getting away from here, living in a dorm out of state. Yet that feels slightly like running away from some of my problems, which at times stops me. On that note though I think I might actually go through with getting away from here for a while… Just not until next year or the year after. Where I’ll go I’m not quite sure, but it’ll be somewhere that isn’t here. I’ve thought about transferring to a school in Georgia to major in English. Supposedly I’m strong in regards to that subject, at least that’s what people tell me at times.

    “Taking care of yourself always comes first. You have to live with yourself for the rest of your life  there is no need to have this persona of selflessness  where does that get you?” I agree with you for the most part on that front. On the other hand if we all sought to serve ourselves first then I’m not sure everything would work out right. Except, as mentioned earlier, there’s got to be some sort of balance between yourself and others. It’s very true though that you are stuck with yourself for the rest of your life, you better like yourself. I’m not sure if I can claim to be selfless, I just think my agenda is too damn dependent on others right now. That’s probably a problem, I should probably care, I should probably do something about it. To be fair it doesn’t actually get me a whole lot, but eh. [Read my brain has melted, so my ability to explain things has gone out the window and is currently taking a plan to who knows where.]

    I should end things here, but I don’t know. There is so much running through my head it’s almost as unbelievable as flying pigs. Okay, that’s probably a little on the dramatic side, but I’m in a bit of a creative phase, so let it slide. Talking on the phone is awkward to me more often than not. At least when it comes to what’s really bugging me. I can have weird light hearted conversations easier, at least with some people. With some people I really mean there are only three people I have ever talked on the phone with for more than an hour.. More than two hours even. I’m not comfortable with people hearing me in distress/sad/however you want to phrase it. I have only let one person hear me sad and on the verge of crying, but that was because we needed to stop being friends.. And well I care too much for people, so it’s hard to cut people out. Anyway, I don’t know. That’s kind of why I couldn’t really say anything right earlier. It all just seems strange and awkward. When something bugs me I get quiet, I push away from it. It’s a little different when face to face. If I’m comfortable enough it’s less weird. Still go quiet.. But ramble, ramble, ramble.

- - - - -

That's where it ended. It's an e-mail I sent to someone, most people know who. And eh. I'm glad I sent it. But I feel bad burdening him with so much crap... all the time.

Hello 2008, goodbye 2007

Wed, 02 Jan 2008 02:34:39 GMT

Hello 2008. Goodbye 2007.

It is time to fit in with the new years crowd, albeit a little late but here nonetheless. I think originally I wanted to make this a post with deep thoughts, the ones I occasionally believe I have, but along the way my mind has changed. Thus it may come around to that, but mostly it is a ramble of this and that - a lame attempt at sorting what has happened and what I hope will happen. Open that door and step inside with a one way ticket to humanity’s ego.

First, as one should expect, is a reflection of the year 2007. A year that brought me from the last half of my senior year of high school to my first semester as a paying college student, oh joy. There’s not a whole lot to say on those two subjects, mostly because since my junior year of high school I’ve been attending the college I’m at now. The only real difference being that I get to learn about how much of a pain in the butt it is to have to pay for college. I knew it was coming, I could’ve been better prepared for it. Except I wasn’t and there’s no real turning back to change any of that, which is fine. It’s hard to learn if you’ve never made a mistake. I’d rather walk freely then walk on a tight rope I suppose.

As of side events that are fun to occasionally think about. I hit the year and nine months at work, which means at the end of February I’ll have been working at Petsmart for two years. The question from there becomes do I stick with it or attempt to move on to something new, but if so what? Though judging by how often I say I’ll quit and don’t I’m more likely to stick with it for a while longer until something promising comes along. The same seems to apply to a lot of things in my life, but I think that’s true for many people. It goes along with how I feel with school more often then not. I want to move on to something else and test my wings, but at the same time I’m not sure if I’m ready for that. So I continue along on a well laid track with only a few bumps along the way. Hoping, just hoping, that eventually something will come along to spark my interest. Nothing has yet, so I’m still doing the same thing in school - studying early childhood education with thoughts surrounding transferring to an out of state college for four years.

Anyway, that’s not exactly something I want to think about right now. I’m tired of the school subject - where are you going, what do you want to do, are you sure, etc. In all honesty I just don’t know anymore, I thought I did once upon a time, but in all reality I don’t. Things like that are murky at best, regardless of whether or not I say it aloud. Moving on though to other small events that are slowly building whoever the hell I am. After graduating I spent the last few days afterwards before my trip to Ohio with the two people who were my best friends and my neighbor who is more than a best friend seeing as I’ve known her for forever and a day. That’s not the point though. I basically spent that time watching movies, shopping, playing games, and just having fun with them. Starting with the night we graduated of course after we all took care of a few things. On that night we went out to Denney’s [we being Belinda, Natasha [ex-friend], and Carinna. Natasha, Carinna, and I wearing various parts of our graduation garb [Natasha - robe, Carinna - 2007 stole, Me - Cap w/ tassel]. It was nice just hanging out talking about whatever [discussion of HP - both the books and movies corresponding to them, how we met, wacky adventures, and weird discussions in the H hall at high school]. Then, when we went to leave, we learned that a nice gentleman [who looked maybe early to mid twenties] had paid for our entire meal [some $40 or so]. It was just awesome/surprising - of course we thanked him while still trying to take it in. According to our waitress [Nicole] he was hoping to make our night and have it spread on, which I still need to get around to paying back. After leaving Natasha, Carinna, and I decided to run to the top of the crazy bridge next to Denney’s built on 99. It was nice, sort of strange, and just one of those things you do without thinking too much about it.

After the whole Denney’s adventure we made a trip do Top Food & Drugs, continuing to be sort of ridiculous - Belinda constantly reminding us that we were crazy and she couldn’t believe she was with us. I think I ended up buying some ice cream, but that’s not a for sure thing. When we were done causing general mayhem there [talking loudly, looking ridiculous in our graduation garb, and just jumping around being hyper] we headed back to my place, the base of operations if you will. From there it was good times, videogames, movies, and just feeling like I had actual friends. Which is something I rarely feel, another one of those things I don’t tend to address. The rest of the time before I left for Ohio was spent like that for the most part, just with more sleep and a bit of work fun.

Then there was the overnight flights taking me from Seattle to eventually [after a few hour lay over] to Pittsburgh, where I was eventually met by my one aunt and my older brother, but I’ll get back to that. I took that flight after getting off of work. Which was nice. It left me tired enough to catch a bit of sleep during the plane trip, yippy. All in all the trip was nice, well it was more than nice but it’s hard to explain how nice it felt to just have time to myself. There’s really nothing quite like three hours spent in an airport by yourself where no one knows you and you’re feeling restless. I spent maybe an hour of that time drinking an ice chai tea [okay at best and you would think for the slight hassle to get it would be better] and eating a delicious blueberry muffin and then I was bored. Boredom is terrible, I started to wander around the airport for the rest of time while occasionally giving people directions, talking to people about this or that, and just enjoying watching the sun rise. Pure bliss I tell you, much better then the waiting around to get picked up by someone when you’re not sure who is getting you, when they’re getting you, and steadily increasing temperatures. Actually it wasn’t that bad, especially after I knew who was getting me.

Moving on though to the actual vacation. It was, in simple terms, a nice escape from my usual life. As much as I rarely talk to my relatives I still enjoy their company every now and again - they’re a helpful reminder that I’m okay. Not only that but being able to sleep whenever I want, do what I want, and not worry about anything is just nice. I spent the entirety of it at my grandma’s campground hanging out mostly at my grandma’s trailer except for when I wanted to sleep or wanted to be alone. During those times I tended to hang out in the building I was given, a little a-frame. I fell off of the one futon bed in it while talking to someone on the phone around the time the sun was rising. It was hilarious, I couldn’t stop laughing for a while neither could the person on other end of the phone. He used to tease me about it, but we don’t talk anymore. Other quick highlights, met my one uncle’s girlfriend, went and saw fireworks with them and my one cousin, went to Wagon Trails [sort of cool, might post pictures later], had late night conversations with family members by a fire a few times, and had a lot of 5:30 am-ish walks with my grandma’s dog. Watching the sunrise is just.. Nice. That sounds so lame, but it’s one of those experiences I love even if I rarely wake up then.

Going home was.. Interesting. There were just a few days with everyone home before my mom and little brother left for their vacation and my dad left on a business trip. During that time I worked a lot of night shifts and my older brother worked a lot of all day shifts, so we rarely saw one another. Actually went a week without seeing one another, that was strange. Being in a big house with no one else in it is strange, weird, and just I don’t know. The first few hours are nice, I get to dance around and blast whatever music I want, but then after a while I start to miss seeing people. Nothing really exciting though.

The rest of summer wasn’t all that news worthy, spent most of it working and sleeping. Y’know, my usual life style. Fall quarter was okay, actually did alright in my classes for once - at least the ones I got grades in. The problem is I started questioning what I want to do a lot more than usual about half way into the quarter, so I felt less involved in school I guess. Oddly enough the class I skipped the most to take naps in the library is the only class I got a 4.0 in, haha. To be fair I did almost every single assignment in that class and attended class almost every day that it was important… and did one of the extra credit assignments.

Winter break was cool. There’s nothing quite like not working a lot, sleeping in, and playing a lot of videogames. We got the Wii for Christmas along with Mario Party 8, Super Mario Galaxy, Fire Emblem, Twilight Princess, Pokemon Battle Revolution, and some Wii [x] games. Fire Emblem has been being played by my older brother and Alfax, Super Mario Galaxy is Belinda and I [oh god, the crack], Twilight Princess is my little brother and dad, and the others are played by everyone. It’s nice.. Too many five am mornings for a while though, haha. I’ve never been good at going to bed at a reasonable hour when I don’t have things to do the next day.

Oh my, that brings us into 2008. Time for a quick overview of events. Started school again, fifteen credits of brain busting activity or something. Geology, Spanish, and an education class, yippy. They’re okay to be fair, but I’m so eh with school right now it’s a little hard to pin point my feelings, more on that later though. Then there was seeing a friend I hadn’t seen since we graduated together [June 17, 2007]. That was nice, went and had dinner in a little food place before going to see The Diving Bell and The Butterfly. Since then it’s mostly been a mixture of school and work. Yippy! Thus comes the end of this entry, fear it.